Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Barbie gone wild

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

[first day as lawyer]

me: obj—

judge: —shut up noob

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it