doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I