Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Customer is always right

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE