doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
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My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake