Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

😂🐈‍⬛

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.