Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Care for your back

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)