Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

How do I get a job writing these texts

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

lumberjacks will cut a birch

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.