DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
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Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I am all good here, 😂😉
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both