DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Interior design 👌
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Terribly Tuesday.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
asking santa clause for nudes
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
