DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Smallpox sounds so adorable