Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin