Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

Safety first

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!