Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.