Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court