Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.