Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Best spoiler warning ever

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Webb. James Webb.

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”