Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog

Him: the what?

Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.