Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

Who knew!

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age