Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
THIS HEADLINE
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
