DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.