DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”