Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

How does one answer this?

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!