doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
