Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

LMAO

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls