I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….