doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like