doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The Joker was right
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”