@DrakeGatsby

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

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@EndhooS

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@VanGobot

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

@uccjeb

Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

@LlamaInaTux

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

@she_oops

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

@wheelswordsmith

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

@JamieFord

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

@curlycomedy

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”