doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon