Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.