Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Discuss
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE