Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
im 7 sauces long
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho