Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Knock Knock

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

😂😂