Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

Succinctly put.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or