Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.