DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

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[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton


this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten


My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.


There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.


Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.


The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you’re hungry.


Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?


*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size


Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.


I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.