DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.