@AtticusFinch79

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

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@steeve_again

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@fro_vo

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

@thenatewolf

EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy

@FlyJ_

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

@Gupton68

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you