@AtticusFinch79

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

@noahapaul

this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten

@TheRolo

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

@kimtopher22

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

@cravin4

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

@AsiaDMO

The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you’re hungry.

@JamieDMJ

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

@pattymo

*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size

@UncleBob56

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

@KenJennings

I subscribe to Groupon because it’s good to know which nearby restaurants have mediocre food & will probably be out of business soon.