Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.
*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*
EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!
Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*
Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-
Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough