Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub