Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

bags with threatening auras

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”