DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.