Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

my sentiments exactly

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

Hmm, not sure about this change

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree