Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My time has come.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Miscakes
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas