Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g