doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The chart results are in…
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Mornin. * use accordingly
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.