doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*