doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Smile they said.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever