Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Time for evil
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.