Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀