One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Doctor: but only for 6 months
You Might Also Like
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Optional boss fight.
18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.