Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

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Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.


Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho


Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.


18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget


eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft


I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him


i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.


I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.