Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
cat vs inanimate object
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two