Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

Still cracks me up

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

oh my god

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.