Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

181.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.