Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Just this preview of the story is enough

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

😂

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly