Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
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Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters