Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.