Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
plums roundup
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character