Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.