doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i

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CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny


A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story


Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.


(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”


They told me to spread love wherever I go.

Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.


I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR


[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]


Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.


I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently