Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]