Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
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kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
CREATION OF MAN
God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses
Angel: Yes, my Liege
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE
Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do