@_coryrichardson

doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i

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@crocodilethumbs

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

@DaddyBeerGuy

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

@T_Bonezzz

CREATION OF MAN

God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses

Angel: Yes, my Liege

@jake_lach

I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE

@purch_s

Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

@TheBoydP

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do