@NewDadNotes
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
@_coryrichardson
doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
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@NewDadNotes
@Parkerlawyer
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
@TheIntComShow
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
@tiffistrying
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
@ClichedOut
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
@longwall26
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
@Underchilde
More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.
@Fred_Delicious
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
@mydmac
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
@raymondh3h3
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit