doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious

doctor: is what contagious. where am i

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[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.


I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”


quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila


her: i’m a cat person



me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky


The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*


More than eighty percent of the world records I hold are for making shit up.


[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”


Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit