@crocodilethumbs
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
@_coryrichardson
doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
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@crocodilethumbs
@Glennot73
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
@TheAlexNevil
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
@JohnLyonTweets
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
@DaddyBeerGuy
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
@T_Bonezzz
CREATION OF MAN
God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses
Angel: Yes, my Liege
@mostlysharks
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
@jake_lach
I accidentally ate one of my dog’s bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN’S OUTSIDE
@purch_s
Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.
@TheBoydP
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do