Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it