Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I am absolutely never leaving this website
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Hell yeah 👍
