Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
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Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
What personal space?
My dog
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!