Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat