Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
thanks auntie mary
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Wait a second…
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”