Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Yup.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.