Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
how DARE
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s