Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“You’d better run, egg!”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.