Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.